Instead, I sit here drinking red wine and eating wheat thins because diet (red wine is great for the heart! It's a beaujolais and delicious). I am frantically trying to memorize 30 million drinks for my new job and our training this weekend plus a test on Sunday. We're expected to get a 90% or better on this final test. Curtis keeps asking "I mean, you're not fired if you don't pass right? You'll just take it again." He just doesn't get it. Failing is not an option. Dear goodness, the horror of failing makes my head ache and my stomach turn.
It has been revealed to me, by God's good grace late at night, that I am a very fearful person. This morning I shared with Curtis how I recognize the link between my anxiety and fears that control me. To my embarrassment, my husband told me "Oh, I know you're extremely fearful. You're anxious all the time." Well, damn. I haven't been fooling anyone but me.
I thought I was strong.
I thought I couldn't be hurt.
I thought no one could touch me.
Actually, I'm held together by barely anything. One misstep on my part, and any confidence I have disappears. I'm constantly offended and wounded by people who simply take no notice of me. Or don't ask me to hang out (uh, hello! ask them yourself!). I absolutely hate not being the one with all the answers, someone proving me wrong, or someone simply not believing me. And I carry the wounds of years and years ago still open and painful when poked.
I am a mess.
And I am afraid.
Afraid of not having all the answers. Afraid of being obnoxious. Afraid of being passed over or ignored. Afraid of forgetting a simple detail. Afraid of things not going to plan. Afraid of disapproval or rejection. Afraid of failing.
I'm sure you have fears too. Fears that are in your face everyday, and fears that run the show behind the scenes. Recently, as I become aware of my fears I have decided not to be a victim. I have decided not to go quietly anymore. If my fears want to take me down, they'll have to do it with me kicking and screaming. So when I begin to feel afraid, I'm taking my thoughts captive and I'm exposing the lie. Because the truth is, I don't have to be afraid. You don't have to be afraid. Whatever we are afraid of, whether silly or serious, is nothing compared to the might and majesty of our God.
We know that we have received the Spirit of adoption by which we can cry "Father! Father!" Romans 8:15. We are no longer in bondage to fear. We have a holy and righteous Father who knows us and hears us and has given us the Holy Spirit who banishes fear. This is why the scriptures say "for God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self control" 2 Timothy 1:7. I love this scripture because there is so much packed into that little sentence. Self control means that YES I can stop feeling afraid. Sometimes it feels impossible to be free. Love and power and self control all come from the Holy Spirit, so NO I don't have to do this on my own. And the best part, I think, is that God never gave me this spirit of fear. God is good, all the time, and He is not a part of my anxiety and fear. So I want nothing to do with it.
Instead of living everyday paralyzed by failed expectations, fears, anxiety, and depression, I'm choosing to live unafraid. I'm unafraid because my identity is in Christ and I can feel Him at my back supporting me. I'm unafraid because the results I fear aren't insurmountable. I'm unafraid because circumstances are ever-changing but my God is constant. But mostly, I'm unafraid because I am enough and God has no expectations over me, no hoops to jump through, and no tests to pass.
I'm talking big talk but don't worry. I'm just like you. I almost had a panic attack on my way to training today and I have to talk myself through all of this several times a day. We aren't ever perfect, but we cling to a perfect God.
What are you afraid of? How is God bigger than your fears? What are your family or friends afraid of? How can you encourage them?
Beautiful lady, breathe. You can do this and you will do amazing. Work hard and believe in yourself and believe that God is holding your hand the whole way and nothing can bring you down. <3
ReplyDeleteThis is really good and very convicting. To be afraid of something is truly to believe that God is not sovereign or powerful enough to handle it. Nothing could be further from the truth. Even Jesus struggled with fear in the garden when He realized what anguish lay ahead, and He had a totally legitimate reason to be afraid, but He ultimately set a great example of what it means to take that fear and place it in the hands of the Father. You've given another great example of what that looks like for the believer. Thank you for the reminder. Much love.
ReplyDeleteAmen amen. Why should we fear when we have God on our side. He is bigger than any fear we have. I love the truth in this post and your honesty. Lay it all out there and give it over to God.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you wrote this post because I often see that fear is crippling to so many people and I honestly believe that satan delights in that. There are so many fears in the world but I am learning day by day to trust the Lord in new and big ways in my journey. I am so glad that you wrote this as it is such an encouragement to remember that GOD is so much bigger than any fear that we may have! Thank you so much again for sharing!
ReplyDelete:) Rebecca
www.caravansonnet.com
Amen, Amen, Amen! I think so many of us try to hide the fact that we are fearful--I know I do! But, having that relationship and reliance with and on God is key to keeping our balance! I love how a blog gives us the confidence to face our fears and I love this post!
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