I'm Desperate For Transparent Community

My husband and I visited a church the other day. We just moved to a new area and since we didn't move with any church communities in mind, we're randomly visiting the nearby churches.

Both my husband and I got in the car after the service with a "meh" feeling. There was nothing obviously wrong, but also nothing obviously right. Vaguely friendly, concert-like worship, too-close-for-comfort borderline prosperity gospel preaching, and one bad experience with a child care worker.

I realized that I attended these churches before. I wore the cool volunteer shirt, I smiled and greeted people but made no effort to know anyone, I rushed around feeling important and treating others like a nuisance, I thought worship was cool if it was loud, and I gobbled up the catchy, shallow sermons given every Sunday.

Why am I so different from who I was then? Why do I see the giant hole missing now? Because for two years my husband and I have been a part of a church that teaches real community. Because we interacted with people willing to be vulnerable and transparent, willing to expose their sin and repent of it. For two years, I experienced the depth of community that the gospel should create in us.

And I'm starving for it.

Now more than ever, separated from that community, I am yearning for those interactions. My friend Kristen blogged about the loneliness that often surrounds mothers and she related wanting to run up to other moms and saying "Are you lonely too? Do you want the same things I want? Do you struggle with the same things I do? Will you judge me for failing? For being scared? For wanting to run away from my kids? For forgetting to put shoes on the oldest and a clean diaper on the youngest? Can we be friends? Am I freaking you out? I don’t care. HOLD ME."

This is how I'm feeling right now about real Christian community. I know it's scary you guys, but trust me it is so worth it. To be known by other people, to be loved for who you really are and not who you portray yourself to be, to be prayed for...REALLY prayed for, because they know the depths of your soul and how to pray for you.

I want it so bad. I may end up being that awkward woman who is always exposing the depth of her sin and her heart to people. I may lay splayed open before other people who avert their eyes out of embarrassment. And maybe I'm the one who will always say "let's dig deep into that stuff you don't want to talk about so we can expose some sin."Or "hey, I just discovered this ugliness in my heart! Let's talk about it, help me understand God's grace better."

I'm a tender soul. It doesn't take much for me to cry. I may go through more pain and rejection than I get actual transparent community. That scares me. Which is why it scares you. But I believe God is big enough to hold me when I'm hurt. I believe He's big enough to soothe my pain. I believe He's big enough to soothe your pain. And I believe He's big enough to handle any confrontations or sins we commit against one another. He continually changes my heart to be more like Him, He'll do the same for you too.

Can we just stop pretending like we have it all together? Aren't you just so tired of the act? I used to live every second as if Big Brother had a secret camera on me and was watching my every move. Let's not live under that weight! Let's not be afraid of being really seen by other people. Because Jesus is more than enough. He's enough for our fears, our anxieties, our hopes, our failures, our successes.

Do you long for more, to go deeper and further in relationships? Do you wish people knew and understood you better? And have you realized that this level of intimacy is something Jesus fights to have with you? Before we spiral into a complaint about other people not loving us well, let's pause and consider our relationship with the Lord. I've come to recognize that my fear of rejection from people comes out of a fear of rejection from Jesus. I'm afraid that I'm too dirty, too weird, too bland for Jesus to love me or to want to know me. And that informs my level of intimacy with Him and with my husband and every person I interact with.

We have all gone astray. We have all done exactly what we wanted, not matter the consequences. We are all really gross sinners. But God (pause for a second and enjoy the hugeness of those two words) sent His son anyway. The Word became flesh and I hope we can strive to appreciate the weight of that. The Word became flesh. Jesus, who had perfect community with the Father had to learn how to pursue it actively as we do. And He did so perfectly. Jesus, who lived outside of our existence suddenly had to deal with human biology, emotions, and temptations. And He did so perfectly. 

The best part? He wasn't trying to show us up! The purpose of His coming wasn't to say "Hey, I did it so you better". He came so that when His blood was spilled and He breathed His last breath, the weight and the burden of sin that we constantly live under was broken. Because it was broken, because Jesus is Lord and death could not hold Him, IT IS FINISHED. Those three words bring so much peace and joy to my heart. The price has been paid, the slate has been wiped clean, and now nothing can stop us from intimacy with our Lord. Nothing, except our own fears and trepidations.

And so before I dive into transparent community with you, friends, I want to drown in the ocean of grace that flows from the Spirit. I want to laugh and weep with the Lord, I want my thoughts to follow His thoughts and my ways follow His ways. It's become clear to me that before I can pursue transparency with others, or rather while I pursue transparency, I have to pursue it in those quiet spaces of rest with the Lord. If I am not letting Him, the great Counselor and Healer, into all the nooks and crannies of my soul out of fear than I certainly won't ever allow another sinful human like myself into those same places.

So that is what I'm proposing friends. I'm proposing we dive deeper into Jesus together. I'm proposing the death of pretense and performance. I'm proposing neverending grace for each other that flows from the Holy Spirit. I'm proposing laughter and joy, weeping and mourning. I hope this resonates in your heart as deeply as it does mine...because I would really like some friends to walk alongside me.