Not a Conservative

I'm tired of constant shame. Constantly analyzing myself, my thoughts, my actions in order to pinpoint the very instance of wrongness and slam it down with a hammer. Self-aware for every second, anticipating other's actions or reactions and scripting out my corresponding responses in order to ALWAYS do the right thing. Noting when anyone complained about any kind of behavior so that no one could ever have a complaint about me. Living life like a robot, a terrified robot.

I'm tired of fear and anxiety. Desperate to know people's opinions of me, relieved when it's positive and devastated when not. Feeling the need to be in control at all times of all things so everything goes as planned. Constant expectations always miles ahead of where I can realistically limp to in a day yet I never think to bring them closer.

I'm tired of caring about every little thing like it's the straw breaking the camel's back. One small setback, one tiny decision by someone else somehow always seems like the batting of a butterfly's wing that will destroy my entire world.

It could be argued that this is a result of my own biological makeup, my psychological coping for my own experiences; that what I describe as the past 26 years of my life can't be tied to conservatism.

It could be argued.

I won't deny my DNA, my parentage, my family all have an impact on who I am today and the 27 years of life that got me here. I won't deny that there are bound to be conservatives who don't feel the weight of shame, fear, anxiety, or judgement.

Regardless, I can't keep up with the conservative movement. Whether conservatism created these issues or just touches on wounds that have not yet healed, I am done chasing the rabbits. I can't keep up with who we are supposed to boycott today or who is destroying the institute of marriage tomorrow. I can't continue to support BAD conservative movies just because they give a picture perfect American dream style view of what a good conservative family does. Or because it talks about prayer. I can't blanket-ly say that anything "liberal" is bad or anything supported by a Democrat needs to be fought.

I don't have the time or energy to care whether someone else was born with a penis and wants a vagina or whether two people with vaginas want to get married. I can't rally support around a business owner who believes their specific religious belief is too important to provide an employee with birth control or allow someone who believes differently to buy their product or service.

I can't continue to be a part of so much judgement, in every aspect of someone's life. I can't continue to ask women "well, what were you wearing?" while demanding ridiculous amounts of proof to even begin to believe a man has not been faithful. I can't be blind to white privilege and believe that "America can be great again". Because what I believe makes America great is not our military strength forcing other countries to bow to us or our disgusting self-righteous white picket fence American dream dysfunctional hypocritical whiney ass whitewashed families.

I'm done. Can you tell? I stopped drinking the koolaid a long time ago and I think it's finally out of my system.

I'm ready to accept people as they are without expecting them to fit some arbitrary mold. White, black, and all the shades in between. Tall, short, large or small. I'm not going to tell you that you aren't enough of this or you are too much of that. Even if we don't agree. You are still you, and that person is wonderful. I don't have to agree with you or even LIKE you to see that you have value, that you love and are loved.

And I am MORE than ready to lift women up out of the shit we've been trudging through. MORE THAN READY. I'm done letting us quietly sit where we think we belong because we believe the shit spoken to us, about us, or over us. Like the great Beyonce says in Freedom from her latest album Lemonade, "I break chains all by myself, won't let my freedom rot in hell. Hey, I'ma keep running cuz a winner don't quit on themselves."

(If you haven't at least LISTENED to Lemonade, stop what you are doing and go. Get a Tidal subscription it's so much better than Spotify anyway. Then, set aside a couple hours of your time and watch the visual album. It's an hour long but trust me you will want another hour or longer to process. Or keep pausing it so you can freak out for a second.)

Personally, I'm done with the chains.

Freedom! Freedom! I can't move  

Freedom, cut me loose!

Freedom! Freedom! Where are you? 

Cause I need freedom too! 

I break chains all by myself 

Won't let my freedom rot in hell 

Hey! I'ma keep running 

Cause a winner don't quit on themselves