You might say I'm an opinionated person. You could say I am loud and always have to put my two cents into a conversation. And you might also say I have trolled quite a few internet conversations.
And you'd be one million percent correct.
Ever since my first foray onto the internet many years ago in message boards and chat rooms, I have been quick to let my opinion fly. As I've grown older, I (hopefully) have grown wiser and usually respond less harshly, less accusatory, and less maliciously then I did in my tween/teen years. I don't hold any opinion half-heartedly, but I have learned that opinions aren't truths, that it's ok for others to have different opinions, and that forcing someone to accept or change to my opinion is oppressive.
There was a time in my life when I believed I should just shut up. I was mortally embarrassed by my previous online freak outs, and I really doubted that my voice mattered. I thought "No one is listening to me, so why say anything." I battled this personally and online...my beliefs told me that I mattered but my experience told me otherwise. And honestly, a lot of religious contexts told me otherwise.
It seems that women are supposed to be perfectly prim and proper, servants to everyone, talking in whispers, and operating in the background. Try as I might, I couldn't fit in this mold. A part of me wants to be this silently strong woman, and I envy the women I know who are naturally like Mother Teresa.
I'm not perfect. I'm a great big mess lately. I think a lot, and am pretty certain I'm always right. I resist every authority figure, and my mantra is "I do what I want" (ok, be honest...EVERYONE does what they want. Even what you "don't want" to do, you actually want to. You don't want to take out the trash, but you do because you want to have a clean house. See, you wanted to take out the trash.) I grow frustrated with my son daily, and I'm not always nice to other people. I want to be liked TOO MUCH and I battle a constant compulsion to be anything but myself.
I'm done nailing fruit to a dead tree. I am not this perfect woman and I'm done pretending I am! I am a work in progress, enjoy the show.
So I post about controversial topics. I question other people when their position doesn't make sense to me. I weep about the state of our culture and sometimes I get angry at ignorance.
And I do this all online. While I am learning how to communicate effectively, to speak words that bring life, and speak truth...while I do this, I continue to speak up. I continue to speak out. And when I make mistakes, as I do all the time, I practice humility. I learn again how to put my own pride aside, admit that I was wrong, and heal a wound that I created. Each experience motivates me to think longer about my words before hitting "send". Each apology reminds me that being right isn't the end game. Each embarrassment signals that I am not a fountain of wisdom and knowledge.
Most importantly, I never delete this encounters. Sometimes they are private, most of the time they are out there in the public view. I never want to clean up my online presence to make myself look better. I would never want someone to come across my Facebook and think I've got it all together when I don't. I want to be messy. I want you to know me, as I really am.
Over the past year-ish I've seen 2 major celebrity pastors go down in flames over scandals. One did so pridefully, never admitting to anything, and protecting his butt while he let his church die. The other admitted his sins and stepped down from his church to work out issues at home, leaving his church able to thrive without him.
It occurred to me that there aren't many examples of leaders who humbly admit faults and do the leg work to change or fix what they broke. There especially aren't many examples of this inside the Church, where it really should be the norm. I'm not much of a leader, since I have no one following me, but I'll gladly learn in the public eye in the hopes that someone else learns with me.
So I won't be quiet. I won't wait until I have achieved a grand level of wisdom to speak. I won't pretend like I am always right and I won't surround myself with only those that agree with me. I won't shy away from conflict and I won't always have an answer. I won't fit into safe little categories and I won't assume my position because of political, religious, or social affiliations. I won't agree with something simply because the majority does and I won't tune out people I don't understand.
I will seek to be uncomfortable. I will talk about everything. I will apologize often, genuinely, and sincerely. I will cry often. I will be hurt by things others say, I will be frustrated when I am misunderstood or when I misunderstand others. I will want to make everyone agree with me, and I will hate having to apologize for an argument I think someone else started.
But I will also listen. I will consider other views. I will ask for clarification, so I can completely understand. I will put myself in others shoes. I will stretch my intelligence and my empathy to the edges of my sanity. I will cry often. I will learn. I will grow.
It will never be easy. But I commit to it because I believe it is so desperately important.
We as a people, as a generation, as a group need to listen. We need to speak. We need to converse with people we've never met before. We need to live in empathy, sharing experiences with each other. We need to show each other what TRUE love and compassion look like...when we make a mistake, when we speak out of anger or ignorance or we fail to listen then we show love by humbling ourselves. Genuine, true sorrow comes from love. True repentance, reconciliation, and renewal comes from love.
So I won't be quiet, because I love you.
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