When I have feelings and thoughts that need to be expressed, that need to have a voice, they often come out in psalms. I relate to the way David would scream and cry and lament his situation, yet end clinging to the promises of God and declaring the glory of the Lord.
Because at the end of the day, that's all we really have. Our hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus blood and righteousness. I dare not trust a sweeter frame, but wholly lean on Jesus name.
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The past three years have been hard. I have felt desperate every single day, whether I acknowledged it or not. I keep trying to do EVERYTHING in order to be something. What I "want" changes from moment to moment, day to day depending on where I think I can find acceptance, approval, value, or worth.
Such a fruitless, silly quest. Instead of being the hero riding on a white horse into adventures, I'm more akin to Don Quijote looking absolutely ridiculous and battling windmills.
So I continuously find myself ragged and beaten and bruised, through no fault but my own, sitting on my tired butt tearfully singing this psalm:
I have lost my appetite
And a flood is welling up behind my eyes
So I eat the tears I cry
And if that were not enough
They know just the words to cut and tear and prod
When they ask me “Whereʼs your God?”
Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
I can remember when you showed your face to me
As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you
And when I survey Your splendor, You so faithfully renew
Like a bed of rest for my fainting flesh
When Iʼm looking at the ground
Itʼs an inbred feedback loop that drags me down
So itʼs time to lift my brow
And remember better days
When I loved to worship you and learn your ways
Singing sweetest songs of praise
Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you
So when Iʼm drowning out at sea
And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me
Iʼll recall your safety scheme
Youʼre the one who made the waves
And your Son went out to suffer in my place
And to show me that Iʼm safe
Why am I down?
Why so disturbed?
I am satisfied in you
And a flood is welling up behind my eyes
So I eat the tears I cry
And if that were not enough
They know just the words to cut and tear and prod
When they ask me “Whereʼs your God?”
Why are you downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
I can remember when you showed your face to me
As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you
And when I survey Your splendor, You so faithfully renew
Like a bed of rest for my fainting flesh
When Iʼm looking at the ground
Itʼs an inbred feedback loop that drags me down
So itʼs time to lift my brow
And remember better days
When I loved to worship you and learn your ways
Singing sweetest songs of praise
Let my sighs give way to songs that sing about your faithfulness
Let my pain reveal your glory as my only real rest
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you
So when Iʼm drowning out at sea
And all your breakers and your waves crash down on me
Iʼll recall your safety scheme
Youʼre the one who made the waves
And your Son went out to suffer in my place
And to show me that Iʼm safe
Why am I down?
Why so disturbed?
I am satisfied in you
Instead of looking for satisfaction, identity, worth, acceptance, love in a myriad of places and people and things...instead, today at least, I choose to be satisfied in Christ.
***This post is part of a monthly linkup. This month, fellow bloggers are sharing how their favorite song has impacted them. Click below to read the other posts!
An InLinkz Link-up
Hello Beautiful Soul -
ReplyDeleteAs I started reading your post, God dropped, "As a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you." in my spirit. I jumped with joy to keep reading and find the scripture that you decided to use.
I and so many feel and have felt the same way you are feeling so, it is a part of the journey. But, can I please share with you that a few year's ago, God told me, "Chill in Jesus and my Word." He was basically saying STOP IT, I'VE GOT YOU.
So, now, I don't sweat very much in life as I know that my soul is anchored in Christ and that no matter the outcome, I have God on my side and He is preparing a place better than I can ever imagine.
Shine on Butterfly, You've Got THIS!
Thanks for being a part of WriteousReflections. Grateful that God quilted you into this link-up as together, we will make an impact on the kingdom and in this earth.
Yulunda XOXO
Thanks for the encouragement Yulunda! I am loving the prompts every month, and the places writing about them has taken me.
DeleteThis is a beautiful post. Sometimes it can be so hard to feel satisfied, even as a Christian! I wrote about something similar today, so I feel you and I pray we both feel a continued sense of contentment <3
ReplyDeleteLisa | Two Martinis
I love your vulnerability in this. But truth is we are all, have been, or wil be in this place. When we get to doing things on our own we becoming thirty because we are not filling up on the living water that is Jesus. May you draw nearer and closer to God knowing that he truly is enough in all that is and has in store for you. Like Lisa said above it can be hard, possibly the hardest as christians to be satisified, but we must ground ourselves in his word and his promises, as you said, it is all we really have.
ReplyDeletethank you so much for your openess and for participating in the #writeousreflections link up with us this month. We surely hope to see you next month as well!
Be blessed.
B-
Sarah what a moving and revealing post. Thank you for sharing. Beautiful song too! I've never heard it before, but I love the words.
ReplyDeleteLike Yulunda, as a deer pants for water, so my soul thirsts for you reminded me of something. Last year, as I read this scripture (Psalm 42:1-2), I was curious as to why a deer. You know God is intentional. Reading the original language, the word used was "hart" which is a stag or red deer. It can weigh up to 530lbs and has a 4-chambered stomach!! What a thirst and desire for God!!