A Heart of Stone

I have not fallen into motherhood as gracefully as I thought I would. I have been extremely ugly to my husband, weighted down by the needs of this tiny tiny person. I've run through Jack in the Box for curly fries more times than I can count because I hadn't eaten all day. My child's hair has been greasy, with my food stuck in it, for over a week before I bathed him. I've been strung out and frustrated for 2 months.

Pregnancy was the car pulling me on my skateboard and delivery was the car screeching to a halt. Motherhood has been me faceplanting into the asphalt.

As hard as it's been, God has been gracious. Bonding with this small person is downright miraculous. Now he looks directly at me and I know he recognizes me. I've been pushed to limits I didn't know I had and God has met me there. I've had glimpses of His grace and provision that I never understood before.

Like how deep my sin goes.

How great His love has to be to dig out that sin.

How present the Spirit is when I call.

God's peeling back a layer of myself that I haven't seen yet. 

I realize I am judgemental

                demanding

                unrelenting

                selfish

                prideful

I am gifted with discernment and prophecy, I am able to cut through the fat of an argument and go in for the kill. I am able to clearly present information and explain its relevancy. And I also love to be right. So I jump right into those Facebook debates (you know the ones!). I'll also engage people in person, often voicing my opinions strongly.

Becoming a mom has shown me that mothers can be very mean to each other. One will condemn you for bottle feeding while another for co-sleeping. Some will condemn you "on accident" by expressing their opinion that "breast is best", etc, leaving you to curl up inside of yourself for not giving your child the best. 

I am sure I have wounded fellow mothers in just a few weeks because of my bluntness, my crassness, my opinions. My filter is nonexistent and I just spit things out without thinking about what they will do when they land on someone's ears. 

It occurs to me that I have most likely wounded many people over the years. I have never been able to come in with grace and love, gently speaking truth. I've always yelled truth through my bullhorn hooked up to speakers.

It's not just my words that come across as rocks flung over a distance, hard and penetrating. I am surrounded by emotional and mental walls, some miles thick, protecting or suffocating me. In fact "hard" is the perfect word to describe me. Hard to understand, hard to talk to, hard to love, hard to befriend, hard to give grace.

And in these giant walls that wrap around and around and around my heart, there are strongholds as far as the eye can see. Tall, looming towers dotting the landscape. 

As I've contemplated this coming year, and thought about what word God would have for me, I've felt overwhelmed (as I often am) of all the projects He has in process. The obvious work of developing me into a wise (hopefully) mother, the continued work on my marriage, these crazy strongholds I've just discovered, my inability to deal graciously and gently with people.

What word can possibly encapsulate all of this that You are doing already this year LORD? What word can I lean into, grasp firmly, to carry me through the next 12 months?

Soft.

Because I am very hard.

I am praying that God will replace my heart of stone for a heart of flesh, just like He did when He opened my eyes to salvation. For I didn't choose Him, yet He chose me and more than that, He placed the choice before me and asked me to choose. He approached me from in front, never hiding His intentions or trying to sneak up on me. But He surprised me still. Though my eyes were opened, I would not see Him. 

Soften my words, my spirit.

Turn my walls into jello.

Destroy the foundations of strongholds.

Grow my heart for others.

Show me Your love.

Teach me grace.

And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in my statutes and keep my rules and obey them. And they shall be my people, and I will be their God.

Ezekiel 11:19-20