It's been a long time since I've blogged or even thought about blogging. I'm beginning to see a correlation between lack of blogging and how crazy I get. Not that blogging is a cure for crazy, just my kind of crazy. I have to get all these things out of my head and out to other people. Selfishly, I demand to be heard. Cowardly, I find it hard to talk to an actual person about all the serious, sometimes dark things that fill my head. I mean really, how to work that into a conversation of Target and leopard print (although I love both those things). I've never been good at relationships, friends, family, dating, etc. It's a miracle my husband married me.
Now I'm pregnant. Come November, I will have a little tiny person to take care of, nurture, teach, and love. Love is supposed to come naturally, and I have a lot of practice taking care of small children. I'm not a very good wife, I'm worried what will happen now that I'll be a mother. I bicker with my husband about cleaning the apartment like I would with a roommate. Other than going to work, I'm not productive at all. I barely cook anymore, no meal planning, I wait until my husband loses his mind before attempting to clean or do laundry. I feel that failure every day but instead of being spurred to do better, I sink into hopelessness convinced that I will always be the failure...this is just how it is. I used to be upset that Curtis would have friends over all the time until I realized I wouldn't want another woman to see my failures anyway.
These are things that have weighed on me since we moved to Seattle. This coupled with many months of no community and continued existence with few friends, it has been a very dark 8 months. Redemption groups (a form of biblical group counseling) helped a bit with the load I've been carrying and greatly helped my husband and I's intimacy emotionally and physically. I thought things would get better...but the day to day hasn't changed. The apartment is always a mess and I feel myself retreating further and further in myself to block out the hurt.
If I'm honest, I've always tended towards the depressed. There is family history of manic depression and bipolar and while I doubt I have anything diagnosable, there is definitely a pattern of depression in my life. I can recognize it even from a young age. Moving to Seattle has finally removed me from anything familiar or comfortable so that all of these truly dark and ugly things can come to light. And maybe I should be grateful, considering I will have a child in 5 months. I'm miserable almost consistently but maybe I need to be in order to get out of it. Ignoring the mud in the back yard is easy if you stay in the house but not if you walk outside and sink into it.
I don't want to be this woman when I have my child. I don't want to be the mother who's all over the place emotionally and who can't keep herself together much less her house. I don't want to put that added burden on my husband...he has graciously beared it so far in our marriage but the addition of a child and him taking a full time job will I think be too much.
I've also been thinking about if I have a girl and the things I want for her. I want her to have the things I didn't growing up, I want her to know she is feminine and to know the power and the gift of that. I want her to feel pretty always but also to enjoy getting all gussied up every now and then. I don't want her to think about her weight or what the other girls think about her. I want her to know that she is treasured by her father and I want her to have a living relationship with her mother. She may go through some teenage angst like we all do and she may decide she likes sports more than dresses or red instead of pink. But I want it to be her choice out of all the options. I don't want her to turn to something because that is all she has or that is all she knows. I don't want her to regret never trying something or to find herself too old to develop talents she may have. I want her to adore her father and eventually marry someone like him (because let's be real, he's awesome). I want her to still call me to talk when she's moved out. I want her to have so many fond memories of growing up and to know all the stories of our families.
And so for the sake of my child and our family, I want things to change. We still don't know the gender but I'd like to prepare like I'm going to have a little girl. I want to get a handle on this cleaning business, because I like to have the apartment set up and organized, I like to prepare meals, I'd even like to garden a bit. I do enjoy the domestic things, I'm just so sunk into depression that I let it go and then can't seem to get it back. I'd also like to do the little things that are so important to women. A little routine in hygiene, makeup, and hair. I'd like to care more about my appearance or rather put more effort into it because the truth is I care very much. It'll be a slow process because there is a lot that needs to change but today is a good day to start. I woke up and washed my face and last night I cooked a stew...small steps in the grand scheme but huge efforts for me.
So here I go, to do the hard things until they become easy. I'll blog about my successes and my failures here, so join my journey!
the Lord will help you through this darkness as you cling to Him. i can relate to a lot of what you said. we got married just a few months after i became a believer, so i was s noob at being a 'godly person' much less wife. i was raised by my dad and a hateful career woman step mom and knew nothing of real womanhood. we moved away from everything and everyone i knew after one month of being married. i tended towards fits of rage, depression, acting out, and just utter selfishness. looking back, those first few years weren't pretty for me. it been 8 now and i can tell you things have improved dramatically! although i feel more at peace with who i am, in my role as a woman and wife, it is a huge change when you become pregnant, birth a baby and start parenting together with your husband. no matter how long you've been married, its tough. especially those first 3-6 months where you feel like its hard to do anything besides nurse and diaper the little one! showering, cooking, cleaning and hair brushing seem like impossible goals each day. but it gets better. i promise. slowly you will be able to adapt and add on all the basics like errands and meal planning and eventually add on the 'extras' like shaving your legs and perhaps reading a few pages of a book. :) you are not alone. you are experiencing what most every woman/wife/mother goes through. consider it a rite of passage to overcome and make you stronger. just take it a step at a time and be patient with yourself. you are going to do great! :) love you!
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