I feel fat

Ya, I feel fat. Keep your sweet versions of "you look great!" to yourself please...this isn't about you. This is about me. Please keep focused.

I'm kidding (kinda) because it doesn't matter how many times my husband tells me how beautiful I am (interrupting my sentences usually which is a little aggravating) or how many times a friend tells me I'm looking great post-baby. The fact is, I feel fat and you can't change that.

I have to change. I have to take control of my thoughts and how I feel about myself. I have to apply the gospel, and what God says about my body to my reality. I can't believe that God is good and accepts me as I am, and hate my body. It just doesn't pan out.

Since I've been talking about transparency lately, I'll dive in a little deeper. I feel fat, and have been wholly dissatisfied with my physical appearance my whole life because I care so desperately what you think about me. And because I'm a judgmental asshole. Because I've decided what is beautiful and good in a physical form, and I hold everyone accountable to that standard. A standard that isn't concrete, that has varied and changed as I've grown up, and that I never express to you. I'm rating and judging you without giving you a chance to defend yourself or even know you're under scrutiny.

 I'm sick to my stomach to realize some of the things I have thought about other women. I wish I could go back in time and slap my younger self (or my 3 day ago self). I wish I could apologize to every single woman I have thought "ew" or wondered if you would ever be loved because of your level of attractiveness. My brain is cruel. I am cruel.

Can we pause for a second so I can apologize to you mama? To you sister, daughter, friend? Can I just apologize for anyone who has ever made you feel unworthy, unattractive, or unwanted? Because I have done that. While I desperately want to be worthy, attractive, and wanted, I have attacked and brought other women down in the process. Sometimes simply so I could say "at least I'm not that bad".

I'm just under a year from giving birth. If I thought I had body issues before pregnancy, I definitely have them now. My narrow hips, pillowing thighs, and belly as big around as my large bust has become very hard to hide. And very hard to lose. I've contemplated anorexia. I feel immense shame anytime I eat out of comfort or drink a soda. Right now I'm sitting in a Starbucks and my beer gut belly hanging over the top of my jeans makes me never want to go out in public again.


That's the depth of my...grossness. A simple phrase "I feel fat", that I'm sure many other women have said and will continue to say until Christ comes back, has a whole lot more meaning behind it. I'm embarrassed to admit to you what goes on inside my head. I'm mortified at some of the things I have thought about you, without any red flags going up.

Here's the good news. The gospel tells me I don't have to be worried about what you think. The Spirit convicts me, changes me, pushes me to accept you no matter what you look like. And the gospel tells me that God finds me beautiful and attractive.

I'm so glad that how I see myself is not how God sees me. I'm so glad that how I often see others is not how God sees them. I have grown in understanding that the gospel means my record before God is as if I never sinned and as if I always obeyed. Which is mind-altering in and of itself. But what is just now occuring to me, is that God doesn't have x-ray vision and only see my heart and soul, as if my physical body has no meaning or purpose. No, He sees my body and He calls it beautiful. 

 

He sees my body and He calls it beautiful. 

Not my inner beauty.  Do you hate it when people say that too? It's like saying "I'd rather not look at your face but that inner beauty man...it's great."

God calls my misshapen, squishy body beautiful. So I decided if that's what God does, that's what I'm going to do to. Outloud and in my head. I'm no longer allowed to hate myself. Because it's exhausting, really. I am taking the time to think and say what the Bible does about my body and leaving it at that. Because it's more than enough. I don't need to prop myself up with compliments, empty or otherwise. I just need the gospel. I just need Jesus.

I am reclaiming me. I no longer want to be crippled by my own fear or anxiety. I no longer want to be obsessed with myself. I don't want to give up on my health in despair that I won't attain the image I desire. 

I'm doing things differently. I'm editing habits, I'm taking thoughts captive, I'm looking at myself differently.I'm taking an active part in my renewal. I'm clinging to the gospel ever tighter, and I'm praying that God changes my heart because let's be real...I can't change it myself. The harder I try, the more I focus on myself and the deeper the hole gets. I'd rather leave that up to Jesus. I'd also rather not focus so much on myself. 

So I may feel fat, and hate my body. But I'm learning to love Jesus more. I'm learning to love you more. Some days I sink into a self analytical depression and probably cut you off in traffic. Some days I go 24 hours without once worrying about my outfit or what you think about me. Every day I am clinging to Jesus.