Heart Shaped French Toast

I had such great intentions after my last post. I felt motivated! I had goals to accomplish! A race to run! Blog posts every week!

And then I lost my mind.

Still looking for it actually...it's fairly small, kinda spazzy, and probably coffee colored. If you see it, send it back my way!

As I've hinted at in previous posts, I am that awful nagging wife that drives her husband to live in the desert, as far away as possible.

That is who I choose to be
Who I selfishly want to be
Who else can I be?

Jesus did not redeem me for this.
I am not enslaved any longer.
I do.not. have to live as a nagging wife.

I am not stuck. I am not powerless.

I am free. Free to forgive. Free to love. Free to fight my sin. Free to be changed by the ever present Holy Spirit.

This is the "month of looooooove" (you just HAVE to say love all gushy). Last year, I went all out on the infamous VDay.

• I researched a gluten free challah bread. Do you know how hard it is to find a feasible recipe??? without all the amaranth flour and xanthum gum nonsense? 

• I made the challah bread, not an easy feat. I cut the challah bread into heart shapes. I missed shapes day in preschool, so that was a big deal! I made cinnamon french toast out of the shapes. And then...are you ready for it? I LAYERED THE TOAST WITH NUTELLA, STRAWBERRIES, AND WHIPPED CREAM. 

I mean, right? Artistry, thats what it was. And I laid it all out on the table with candles and mimosas. I killed it. Feel free to borrow my idea for your next VDay. 

Here's the kicker. My husband didn't get me anything. He didn't arrive home with a card. He didn't even acknowledge that our dinner was OBVIOUSLY for VDay. He walked in the door and sat down to dinner like "oh we drink mimosas and eat french toast in candlelight all the time." Not even a hug and "Happy Valentine's Day." I still remember that fight as one of our best...and by best, I mean infamously bad. I let him have it hard.

How DARE he not bow down at my feet for the amazing gift I was giving him? And to top it off, not have made or brought ME a gift? I mean hello? I'm the queen of this castle aren't I? Where's the homage? Kiss my ring!

Fast forward.

Recently, my pride, selfishness, and resentment towards my husband has been brought to my attention. I know that, after my previous story, you are in shock that I even struggle with those sins! I'm sure I came across as a humble, loving, amazing wife. No? Dang.

So this VDay went much differently.

I didn't plan a thing. Last year I was so bitterly disappointed and this year I felt like all my love juice had been used up months ago anyway. I never brought up the holiday to my husband and we never talked about if we should make plans. 

Curtis is late coming home. I called him and he said he got off the bus early because he wanted to walk. I was annoyed. Doesn't he know I've been with the baby all day, and need some help?! He just decides to go on a walk?!

Curtis called me and said "open the door." Uh, ok. Your hands broken? Can't open the door by your self?

He stood there with a pink present and a card. "Happy Valentine's Day!"

When I opened the present, there was a bottle of J-Rocket (J. Roget champagne) and 3 big sour punch straws. Y'all, I cried. I couldn't help it, the tears just sprung out of me.  Champagne and my favorite candy...exactly what I had been craving all day but hadn't been able to leave the house to get. I am convinced the Spirit told Curtis exactly what to get.

What a contrast between these two years!!! One year I give an elaborate gift to my husband and we fight like crazy. This year, my husband gives me a simple gift and I feel overwhelmed with love.

Whats the difference?

My elaborate gift was not given out of love. It was selfish, a gift suited more for me and not for him (really, he could care less about candles and heart shaped french toast...what an animal). I gave it, fully expecting him to meet or beat my gift. There was no love involved on that VDay.

Curtis' gift to me abounded with love. He listened to me the past year and knew that I love to receive gifts (did you pick up on that yet?). He also knew that sour punch straws are my favorite candy. He doesn't care about cards but knows that I keep every card I've ever received in a memory box and treasure them, no matter how corny. And so my husband put together a gift that he knew would encourage me, and he did so without expecting or demanding anything back from me.

Y'all, the Lord is convicting my heart like crazy. I think it's a game, to see how much conviction I can pick up on in a day. Conviction number one? I do not love.

So my prayers lately are based off 1 Corinthians 13. I pray for the Holy Spirit to convict me when I am rude, selfish, keeping a list of wrongs, etc. I pray that my heart would be one of flesh, molded towards God's heart, and that my words would be soft, loving words not hard and bitter.

This month I had the privilege of guest blogging for my friend Ally at Sweet Like Honey for her Love Series. You can read my post here, but be sure to check out the other guest bloggers! My personal favorite is Lizzy's on Loving Single Ladies.